I Am An Introvert

Posted: June 9, 2013 in Kisah Para Alien (INFJ)
Tags: , ,

                     Am I from the Planet INFJ? Are there any more INFJites out there!?

I always have felt different from most people, sometimes even questioning whether I am from this planet or not because it seemed to me that throughout most of my life I have never seemed to “get it” or “fit in” anywhere.  It was in a Human Potential class that I took 21 years ago that I learned that there was a name that accurately describes me-INFJ:  Introverted-Feeling-Judging Type.   I took the Myers-Briggs personality test for the first time in this class, and learned that only a very small percentage-between 1-5%-of the population have this type of personality.  Before I go any further, I am aware that I do not have to buy into this belief about myself just because I took some test, and can be extroverted when I want to (but I always feel like I am faking it when I do).  However, after reading about the traits of INFJ’s, and reading about introversion, those four letters that described my personality type just seemed to fit.

I was always singled out in school and teased.  My peers always sensed that I was different in some way, and did their best to let me know that I did not belong.  However, I was not the kid who ate glue, had a freaky lazy eye, or anything else  that made me “target” in some way.  I just kept to myself.  That was it.  I identified myself most with Ally Sheedy’s character-the “Basket Case”-in the Breakfast Club.  I am certain that the numerous physical and mental traumas that I experienced as child had a great impact on social development, and believe that if I had been extroverted, I would have most likely acted out by being physically abusive towards my peers, destroying property, and the like.  But because I am introverted, I suffered from clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, dissociative disorder, and anxiety attacks.

I hate being called “shy” because shyness implies that one is timid, or even weak, which I am definitely not.  Once I learned how to stand up for myself, I made it a point in my life NOT to be a doormat or a victim anymore, and have even been involved in fights (in high school), and am known at work to stand up for myself, my students, and colleagues (I am a special educator).  So, I am most definitely not SHY.  I see myself as “slow to warm”, instead of “shy”.  “Slow to warm” means that I do not completely avoid all social contact (has anyone else ever noticed how A LOT of serial killers and perverts are described as “nice guy, but kept to himself..”  What is up with that?).  Being “slow to warm” means that it may take me some time-anywhere from five minutes to five weeks depending on the social situation-to feel comfortable enough in that setting for me to open up and be a part of it.  But, I do join in if it is a group that I want to be a part of.  Once in the group, though, I find it very difficult to be ME.  My values, insights, and perceptions often times do not seem to be the shared by many others in the group, which often leads me to considering leaving the group, or just trying to fit in such a way that I do not attract negative attention to myself-if I disagree with something in the group, but staying true to my core value system.  It is a very tricky task to accomplish, indeed!  This is why I do not join many groups these days.

There are groups that I have felt almost 100% accepted in, though, and those that I feel that I can function it without compromising my beliefs, and values.  Just about any 12 Step group, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics, that I have been involved in have always made me feel welcome, and accepted.  The culture of most 12 Step groups encourages healing, acceptance, and unconditional love, no matter what personality type you are.  I have felt welcomed, and accepted at a Tao temple in California that I was a member of when I lived in California.  Currently, I belong to a Masonic Lodge and feel that I am accepted there for the most part, though, I have not quite felt comfortable to be completely ME in this group yet…

I do have several people in my life who I consider friends, and have been blessed by their understanding of my perceived eccentricities, and accept me as I am.  One of these friends I married, and I can be myself completely with her, even though I still need to explain my behavior sometimes to her.  She is an introvert, as well, but enjoys being with groups of friends, more than I do.  Sometimes, I go with her to social events because I do not want her to go alone, and to show her that I am willing to do things that make me uncomfortable because I want her to be happy, even though it may mean me stepping out of my comfort zone.

It is still a daily struggle to fit in with people at work, my Lodge, and just around town.  There is a constant pressure in my chest that appears whenever I go out into public.  I struggle with being me-who avoids most social contact with acquaintances and strangers-thereby being viewed by others as “distant”, “arrogant”, “aloof”,  or even “shy”, and being just extroverted enough to appear that I “fit in”, and/or am interested in what the group is interested in, but feeling like I am not being true to myself.  I have yet to find a happy median to this continuing dilemma.  I do want to be a part of society, work towards improving it, and meet people with like interests, and values, it is just extremely difficult to do so and I feel alone most of the time..

Source :

by. Knowhereman (http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-An-Introvert/1015951)

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